That was not the first time in life that I had come to class without doing the doables. To the extend I can think of, I should probably go further back - to my degree time at EAC. And when I look back, I don't find too many such good days in life - infact EAC was where my life changed a bit.
Before even getting close with Sree, I was one of the 3 member group in the college - we proudly named it Trimurthy. And it wa one of the many groups in the class. Members of each of those groups (or 'gangs' if you'd like to call it that way) used to be seated one next to the other - that was a way of expressing the unity of the group to the others than anything else. And now when I think of those days, it really looks funny; Almost like 'Walk together, Sit together, Eat together... together... together...'. Funny funny days!
Trimurthy was just a consolidation of 3 guys who knew nothing about maturity in life. As a part of the unplanned set of activities by us, we travelled a bit around Kerala, we treated each other in reasonably expensive restaurants for no apparent resons, we went to Gym together - Nothing really worthy enough to be mentioned in detail though. And as it had to be, the group didn't stand strong for more than a year, as one of us (barring me) had that too close a friendly relation with a girl in the class. And that marked the begenning of the end, ultimately marked the end itself, of that group. Soon we were all different individuals trying to be somethingological.
Well, getting to be a very good friend of Sree remains to be one of the best things that has happened in my life. A trust that broke never. A friend that stood firm by the term friendship. Though it still remains a secret that both of us used to adore the same girl in the class, I finally gave in to him realizing that he was a little too serious in her. I was soon a link - a bridge between him and the girl (Apologies but I can't mention the name here). I finally promised him to take up his feeling with her and revert with a positive reply.
That evening, I called her and started talking in a slightly different manner and tone than usual. God, for heavensake I was not doing it for myself.
And with courage I managed to tell 'Hey, somebody likes you and would like to be with you for ever. He is not sure whether he can say it himself. I thought I should tell you this'.
I knew that wasn't enough, I had to switch on the creative part of my brain 'He was under the impression that you knew and thought you would realize and accept. But since he didn't see any positive sings from you, he sent me. Serious, he is so much in love with you'.
I was gaining in confidence and all I could hear from the other end of the phone was '...emmm'. Then it came to a stage where I had nothing more to say, and she wasn't saying anything either. And I asked 'So...? What shall I tell him?'.
She giggled and asked 'Who are you talking about?'.
Damnit! Now is this necessary? Is she so dumb or is she trying to make me feel myself dumb? 'Well he will call you sometime. Might not be today, could be tomorrow orprobably even a week down the line. But tell me, do you have anyone else in mind?'
'I don't have ANYONE in mind' was the stern answer - Anyone means not even Sree.
Ok, that is one of the positive outcomes of the conversation so far. How else in the world would he have found out that she is yet to love anyone? I'm Awsome!
'Great. So I think he probably has a chance there' - I was trying to re-inforce something.
'Lemme speak to my mom and get back' - I didn't wait for her to complete that statement.
Why the heck is she speaking - rather threatening - about bringing her mom in to the picture so fast. SHIT! I've made a mess of it!!
And it was as if Sree was trying to cal me for past half an hor or so.. the bell rang and with great curiosity he asked 'So how did it go?'
My first intention was to make him feel positive. I told him 'You lucky bugger, she is atleast not in love with anyone so far. I think you should call her and speak casually. You try to engage with her and be a good friend. You be first comfirtable with and for her'.
Advicing is the easiest thing to do in life. You can say wierd things and still make the listener feel great about you. I was doing exactly that!
In a flash he kept the phone. What the...?!
I tried ringing him back and it was always engaged. What was I thinking????
Hardly 5 minutes and he called me back. I didn't have to ask anything.
'Thanks a ton buddy' he said, 'The moment I said Hello, she told me that she was awaiting my call. What did you actually tell her?'. I disconnected!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Chapter 4 - A day when a few things went wrong...
I woke up the next day with a thud... Somebody was knocking and knocking hard. I quickly checked by mobile and it was 6:09 am. Though I appreaciated whoever it was for waking me up in time, I quite didn't enjoy the thud. I lazily opened the door to find my owner and his grand child in his hands. He wished me a good morning, though I didn't feel it was one, but nevertheless, I wished him back. He came with a warning - there is a scheduled stoppage of water for a few hours in the morning and I better fill up my buckets and keep so as to avoid havoc. That's when my eyes actually opened.
I thanked him and rushed inside to pick my bucket and then proceeded to the bathroom tap. While the bucket was slowly getting filled up (I worked out a quicks math and figured out probably it might take another 3 hours to fill up considering the speed of flow of water and the size of my bucket), I had already got started with my tooth brush. I hadn't shaved for a few days and thought I should do it today as the beard had grown considerably - info courtesy - my mirror!
I hate to wake up and find that there is something un-pleasantly different on that day. I am normally a routine man and I usually prefer to do things on a routine basis - whether it is about waking up and about timing of going to my college or whatever it is. Silly but I feel good when things go as per routine. But this very day, I wasn't quite feeling happy. For one, I had not got up at 6 sharp and now water scarcity. And I was waiting endlessly to see my bucket fill up, even my 3 hour calculation was going wrong.
It was almost 7:15 am and I could still see a lot of empty space at the top of my bucket. "Enough is enough", I thought. I picked up my second bucket and proceeded to my owner's room. Faking a little bit of tiredness and illness, I told him that I had to reach college early today and I would require some water immideately so that I could take bath and proceed to college at the earliest. It worked and he quickly rushed in, came out with a bucketful of water and transferred it into mine. I thanked him, carried the full bucket all the way to the 3rd floor and got into the act of taking bath. And I could hear the faint ring on my mobile. I was in no position to go and pick it up.
After the shower (almost a sea bath considering the kind of water I was forced to use), I went back, put on some deo and a perfume (that's just part of my another routine thing) and turned to pick laptop bag. As I wore it around my shoulders I could feel some heat at my back - as if I had taken the laptop from a stove or something. I un-shouldered the bag, opened the zip and saw the lappy lights blinking - the orange one which was an indication that I was out of battery. When did I switch it on last?
Yesterday morning....
And I didn't switch it off?
'Shucks!' I thought. I opened the lappy lid and turned it off using the button long-press feature.
As I waled down, I felt ever worse as my 3 friends on the balcony went missing today. How come? I checked my mobile and it was around 9 am. Aaahh! no wonder. I increased my speed and waved hands to Mahi on the way. From my speed, he would have figured out that I was late. He smiled and 'permitted' me to proceed.
As I reached the gate, there was an un-expected meeting with my college director there. I wished a good morning to him and he turned and walked in to his office as if that wish was not meant for him. I felt humiliated but managed to feel 'To hell with it' and climbed the stairs to my class. There were around 10 of them who had already reached there and they were busy with their lappy, some on rough sheets and all silent. Windows were open and AC remained switched off. I could sense tension in the air and I raised my eyebrows at one of them as if to ask 'Wazzup?'.
'Did you do it?' he asked.
'Did I do what?' I checked.
'That math problem man' he replied and bowed down to continue working on his papers.
The man of 4 D's - that was how we used to know our match professor. A heavy person with glasses and I usually observed his Maruti 800 lift a few feet from the road after he got down from the car. Anytime he found issues in controlling the young lot - us - he would say and repeat - 'You guys have no Decency, Dignity, Deccorum, Discipline. Blah Blah...'. And it was pretty hard to consume if he pointed the finger at one of us and repeated it.
My brain chuckled. My heart didn't speak. I felt like a fool - specially when I found that the class was out od electricity and I am out of battery on my lappy. And what more, I hadn't picked my math note either from room! This is as bad as it can get.
It was not practical to go and pick that note from room. I could probably spend my first one hour at library and then return for the 2nd hour but I was always against skipping classes. I felt it was better to be present physically and absent mentally.
In a few minutes there was chaos all over. Guys runing around to finish off the assigment somehow. And I stood there like a fool not knowing what to do! I had to take a decision. After all, that is an essential part of management right? And finally I took a decision - to not take a decision.
I figured out it was 9:30 as the bell rang and those heavy footsteps got more and more audible seconds after the bell. I closed my eyes hard anticipating that humiliation from him. And...
To be continued...
I thanked him and rushed inside to pick my bucket and then proceeded to the bathroom tap. While the bucket was slowly getting filled up (I worked out a quicks math and figured out probably it might take another 3 hours to fill up considering the speed of flow of water and the size of my bucket), I had already got started with my tooth brush. I hadn't shaved for a few days and thought I should do it today as the beard had grown considerably - info courtesy - my mirror!
I hate to wake up and find that there is something un-pleasantly different on that day. I am normally a routine man and I usually prefer to do things on a routine basis - whether it is about waking up and about timing of going to my college or whatever it is. Silly but I feel good when things go as per routine. But this very day, I wasn't quite feeling happy. For one, I had not got up at 6 sharp and now water scarcity. And I was waiting endlessly to see my bucket fill up, even my 3 hour calculation was going wrong.
It was almost 7:15 am and I could still see a lot of empty space at the top of my bucket. "Enough is enough", I thought. I picked up my second bucket and proceeded to my owner's room. Faking a little bit of tiredness and illness, I told him that I had to reach college early today and I would require some water immideately so that I could take bath and proceed to college at the earliest. It worked and he quickly rushed in, came out with a bucketful of water and transferred it into mine. I thanked him, carried the full bucket all the way to the 3rd floor and got into the act of taking bath. And I could hear the faint ring on my mobile. I was in no position to go and pick it up.
After the shower (almost a sea bath considering the kind of water I was forced to use), I went back, put on some deo and a perfume (that's just part of my another routine thing) and turned to pick laptop bag. As I wore it around my shoulders I could feel some heat at my back - as if I had taken the laptop from a stove or something. I un-shouldered the bag, opened the zip and saw the lappy lights blinking - the orange one which was an indication that I was out of battery. When did I switch it on last?
Yesterday morning....
And I didn't switch it off?
'Shucks!' I thought. I opened the lappy lid and turned it off using the button long-press feature.
As I waled down, I felt ever worse as my 3 friends on the balcony went missing today. How come? I checked my mobile and it was around 9 am. Aaahh! no wonder. I increased my speed and waved hands to Mahi on the way. From my speed, he would have figured out that I was late. He smiled and 'permitted' me to proceed.
As I reached the gate, there was an un-expected meeting with my college director there. I wished a good morning to him and he turned and walked in to his office as if that wish was not meant for him. I felt humiliated but managed to feel 'To hell with it' and climbed the stairs to my class. There were around 10 of them who had already reached there and they were busy with their lappy, some on rough sheets and all silent. Windows were open and AC remained switched off. I could sense tension in the air and I raised my eyebrows at one of them as if to ask 'Wazzup?'.
'Did you do it?' he asked.
'Did I do what?' I checked.
'That math problem man' he replied and bowed down to continue working on his papers.
The man of 4 D's - that was how we used to know our match professor. A heavy person with glasses and I usually observed his Maruti 800 lift a few feet from the road after he got down from the car. Anytime he found issues in controlling the young lot - us - he would say and repeat - 'You guys have no Decency, Dignity, Deccorum, Discipline. Blah Blah...'. And it was pretty hard to consume if he pointed the finger at one of us and repeated it.
My brain chuckled. My heart didn't speak. I felt like a fool - specially when I found that the class was out od electricity and I am out of battery on my lappy. And what more, I hadn't picked my math note either from room! This is as bad as it can get.
It was not practical to go and pick that note from room. I could probably spend my first one hour at library and then return for the 2nd hour but I was always against skipping classes. I felt it was better to be present physically and absent mentally.
In a few minutes there was chaos all over. Guys runing around to finish off the assigment somehow. And I stood there like a fool not knowing what to do! I had to take a decision. After all, that is an essential part of management right? And finally I took a decision - to not take a decision.
I figured out it was 9:30 as the bell rang and those heavy footsteps got more and more audible seconds after the bell. I closed my eyes hard anticipating that humiliation from him. And...
To be continued...
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Chapter 3 - Flashback No.1
That Monday night wasn't quite a good one. This time, without a reason, without a dream, without anyone following me and without falling into a pit, I woke up... For no apparent reason! It was as if I wake up at this time every day. I jsut couldnt help my eye lids close. As I lie flat on my mattress, again, without a reason, I went back a few years back in my thoughts. May be around 3 years. 1998 to 2001: 3 years in my life that I enjoyed the maximum!
As I walked down the roads of EAC for the first time (for those who don't know what EAC is, just understand that it's the college where I graduated from...), I could find those nasty looking guys eagerly awaiting the freshers to barge in so that they can start their raging business. I was with my mom then seeing the college for the first time. If everything went well, she could confirm a seat for me by paying a small donation - that donation because I couldn't even get a second class in my pre-degree! The place was pretty huge, some rubber trees shading the college with some paddy fields on the other end. There was a lot of greenery around and I kindda liked the place. It was, though, very unlike a usual Kerala college! This was a pretty new one and was yet to build a good / bad reputation.
We met up with the principal, then had a chat with the accounts team, paid up the amount to my relief and returned without much happening there. My eyes, like any teenager, were around to see my future classmates around. Ah yes, there was that expected mischief in my intentions. (I couldn't help smiling thinking about it this night...).
The classes started a few days from then and there I was promptly placed on the first bench. I always wanted to carry that 'good boy' image with me wherever I went - I was not faking but I always felt good when people felt I am good / innocent! The classes started in a very usual way with 'Teachers' coming in and introducing themselves and then asking each one of us to get up and say aloud our name, background etc. This happened once every lecturer came in for the first time and it was disgusting. a few days passed by and I was getting to know a few people by name - I never failed to follow the policy 'Ladies first'!
Once I was done with the ladies, I slowly started interacting with a few of the guys around. And it was on one such day that I met up with Sreekumar (I call him Sree). I was sitting on the 2nd bench and as I turned my head to my right, I see this dark, lean guy smiling at me, the lips stretching ear to ear. I gave a smile back and then we exchanged whos and whats of us. Days went by and we got to know each other pretty well.
He was from a middle class family, one of the 3 sons of a mom who was trying hard to fight all odds against life and move on. He was the 2 amongst his siblings. His mom had come a long way to work and teach them all and graduate them one by one ever since their dad passed away years back. I should mention this - she is one of the most successful people I have ever seen n my life!
So myself, Sree and around 30 others had joined to graduate as computer graduates. I had done a few small time courses while I was doing my pre-degree and this small stint gave me a sense of superiority amongst other guys in the class. Little did I know then that Lotus123 and some DOS commands are not the be all and end all of computers. In the labs, as the professors started off with DOS, I was proactive in running commands myself. And it couldn’t get better when I even started teaching others. It slowly started getting bad as the days progressed and the professors slowly got into Pascal, C and a few other programming languages. That is when I started feeling the heat. And Sree didn't fail to turn the table around - he was now my teacher. man, this guy rocked when it came to writing logic - he was one amongst a few other studs in our class. I should mention names of Suneer Hassan, Arun Prabhakar and Tinku Mani who displayed great programming skills then.
Logic comes from thinking - Good logic comes from good thinking... When your intention is to show off, this logic doesn't quite come to you. And a lot of it has to be naturally instilled. And above all, like anything else in life, to do it skilfully, you need to embrace it and love it. Of the brain get tired.
'Dude, you are writing a program now and you need me. Come back to me'
'No, let me first checkout whether she is noticing me or not. I can always write a program later' 'Listen to me, you can do that later. If you don't get these basics right, you are already on the wrong path'
'Now Shut Up, will you!? I know what I am doing, you better be mute for now!'
Time and again I won my arguments with brain... I muscled him to stay shut!
To be continued...
Monday, October 27, 2008
Chapter 2 - A routine day...
Yes, finally I figured out it was a Monday. How else could I have imagined of sleeping for 2 days full... and then spent the nights dreaming...? Like what the backstreet Boys once sang, 'Loneliness has always been a friend of mine...'. It's not that I didn't have friends, but I usually preferred to spend time for myself, with myself. I rarely did like to go out and be one amongst others. Probably it was because I was confused and wanted to shy away from confident people. Or may be because I was a little too careful in choosing my circle of friends.
I dressed up quickly, wore my lappy around my shoulders and started for the college. Well, my short distance walking to college was not as un-interesting as other things in my life. Half a kilometer down the lane I had some friends waiting on the first floor balcony of a building. Seeing them on the way to and from college was a usual thing. They would raise their right hands to say a Hi and Bye and it would start and end there. I have no clues when this started. I probably started noticing this a little late in life. But more than anything else, it was a good feeling to know that there was somebody to wave hands at me. Knowingly or un-knowingly I enjoyed it!
It did happen that day as well. I smiled at them and proceeded to the college. The sun flames were no less hot that day. The first halt before I reached college would be Parvathy Tea Stall. The day starts with a half glass Rs.2 worth tea from Mahi. Mahi has been running this shop beside the college along with his uncle for past 3 or 4 years. We used to share the latest news around place casually. I sometimes even accompanied Mahi and team at the cash counter collecting money from customers. It was one fun thing to do. The gain there was observing different people... small lower class family men used to find it an outing on weekends coming to the tea shop and having tea and small time snacks with their family members. And they would proceed to the beach shore nearby and probably return late in the evening. Before leaving the tea shop, they would ensure that their family members had food to their content. I thought that was more satisfying than going to big hotels and nibbling at expensive items and then worry about having to pay for all of it.
Parvathy tea stall was not the only one around, it was one amongst the many others there. But customers of these shops are usually loyal and regular. They do not prefer going to other tea stalls, even if they were better. That was probably because regular customers to such small tea shops tend to build an un-official community amongst themselves, who then would talk anything from Jayalalitha's reign to weather and pollution to temple rituals and festivities to anything in the world. These 'Group Discussions' had more real life subjects in them relevant to common man. A GD in Business Management schools about inflation and growth of Tatas and Birlas had hardly anything to contribute to common man's life, I thought!
I saluted Mahi as if to say 'see ya soon', crossed the road and entered the college. The security personnel said a 'Good Morning' to me, ensure I replied back and then proceeded with his newspaper. I guess he was reading about the IND-PAK cricket match that happened the previous day which India won. I could sense that from the images he was looking at. After all, would any Indian go through the sports section in a newspaper had India lost the match?
I gazed through The Hindu, TOI, ET and a few others and then climbed the stairs to get to my class in the first floor. I opened the door and switched on the lights. I stood there for a few seconds as if to prepare for entering the class. And I finally did. I rushed to the seat beside the Air Conditioner and switched it on. I could feel the sweat on my forehead slowly disappearing. I cooled down a bit after a hot morning walk and then switched on my lappy and put on some malayalam songs.
Dad had bought me the lappy from Dubai and I was a proud owner of one of the best ones available with the folks in my class. I used to happily put on the songs loudly as a sign of arrogance. Quite a few in our class were Mallus (Mallu is the short term for Malayalees) and they used to appreciate the songs. But I had to depend on headsets once the others barged in to the class with an expression on the face 'Aaargh.... not again!'.
Except for a few Good Mornings with a select few, I used to stare at the monitor of my lappy for no reason. At 9:05 AM, I would switch it off and then silently return to my seat. The one beside the AC was always my best choice. I used to adjust the flaps to my advantage and hardly anyone took notice of it. This seat was left most in the 3rd row from the front. This location used to be ideal as I could view the entire class with a small twist of my head.
Professors came and taught what Mahindra's Scorpio meant to India, how industrialization had an impact on Indian economy, what a balance sheet is and few other things which had always found it's way my back, way over my head. I had a choice - I could either take everything that they gave and fill up the space soon or take only what I could and leave the rest for others to take. Again, my brains asked me to choose option No.1 but I always took the words of my friend - Heart - and chose Option 2. If I were my brain, I would have left this humiliating body long back!
The best of the lot was our Marketing Professor, Mr.Sreenivasan. He had something in him that would make ears of each and everyone in the class sharp. This IIT (Engg), MBA guy was one too many. He was about 70 but his concepts and knowledge were always updated. A complete no-nonsense guy who hated guys who talked rubbish. For some reason he wasn't a big favorite of our college director but was just the best choice of all in the class. He hardly 'tought' anything, it was more of information sharing from his personal experience. And I thought these practical knowledge was more important than theory in the books.
The class was a mix of students from all over India - there were book worms, the rich and business minded folks, funny Shah Rukh Khan depicts, Body builders, the know-all and show-off types... But most of us had one thing in common - we were unsure of what to become and what path to take! As the day progressed, I could see more and more laptop monitors opening up. Guys (as in guys and gals) at the back would connect to each other's systems using RJ 45 and play games on network while the professors would appreciate them for using technology to take down notes promptly. Those naughty smiles on the faces of the back-benchers meant hardly anything to the professors. It's not that I didn't want to play too - it's just that I wasn't quite there in that company (or in any company for that matter) and it was difficult for an outsider to make in-roads. I should have done the work when the classes started in April, 2004. Now its Dec, 2004, the 'companies' have been built and there was very little I could do to get into one of those.
At 1 PM sharp, I would again run to Parvathy tea stall. Mahi used to give me a share of the rice and curry they prepared for the tea stall staffs and himself. I would buy probably a Vada or two from the shop as add-on to the rice. Of course I didn't have to pay for the rice and curry. (By now you would have guessed that I belonged to the group of stringent misers).
I came back and then had a small chat with Arun CG. There was still some time to go before the 2nd half started. Me and Arun came to join the classes here at the same time. He was more of that Bcom finance expert who would easily solve any problem that the finance professor would give. While I could still not make any sense of Profit, Loss and balance sheet, I used to wonder whether he used to have a mix of all this for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner! We used to share the same room in the initial months but as the numbers grew, I had to drop out by choice and find a place for myself. His was my first friendship in the college and I found it relatively easy to approach him anytime for anything.
All through the day, I really found it difficult to interact with confidence with others. My comfort level was very limited and I was never ready to cross it and go beyond. This was probably one reason why I found these days very un-interesting, specially those weekends. To enjoy Chennai you had to have a flat and a car, a Girl Friend to the least. For people like me who had neither, Chennai was pure waste of time.
‘Dude, you are in Chennai for completing your PG, not to enjoy’
‘I know, you don’t have to tell me!’
‘I have to… It’s my duty to remind you!’
‘To hell with you…’ – I hate my brain! I have been having this fight from last 24 years and I am tired!
On the way back, I didn’t fail to smile back at the 3 waving hands from the 1st floor balcony. They were looking cute in their school uniform. I guess the elder one was studying in 12th grade, 2nd one probably in 10th and the third probably in 5th grade or so.
I reached home, changed dress and sat down on the mattress wondering what next, knowing clearly there was nothing else to do. All I could think of was rush back to the tea stall and have a little chit-chat there. But on this day I didn’t feel like doing it. I was probably tired to walk all the way down. Or probably I didn’t want to repeat the same things on the same day. I didn’t go. Instead I lied down for a while and then went to parcel a dosa for dinner and returned to eat it and go to sleep. Just before I slept, I did try to recollect anything that the professors lectured in the class. I failed miserably! I knew I wasn’t spending the days the right way. But then what IS the right way? I always was unsure about what is right and what is wrong to do. On one hand was my parents spending a good part of their savings on my studies and here I was staring at life and trying to figure out whether I have chosen the right path in life. I had no clues of what was awaiting me. But if you ask me whether I had tried to know... well, it would be a big NO. My brain used to make me feel guilty. This guy always points out the problems and had never a solution for them. And this is what I disliked most about my brain!
I slowly fell asleep thinking these and trying to guess what dreams could haunt me that night.
I dressed up quickly, wore my lappy around my shoulders and started for the college. Well, my short distance walking to college was not as un-interesting as other things in my life. Half a kilometer down the lane I had some friends waiting on the first floor balcony of a building. Seeing them on the way to and from college was a usual thing. They would raise their right hands to say a Hi and Bye and it would start and end there. I have no clues when this started. I probably started noticing this a little late in life. But more than anything else, it was a good feeling to know that there was somebody to wave hands at me. Knowingly or un-knowingly I enjoyed it!
It did happen that day as well. I smiled at them and proceeded to the college. The sun flames were no less hot that day. The first halt before I reached college would be Parvathy Tea Stall. The day starts with a half glass Rs.2 worth tea from Mahi. Mahi has been running this shop beside the college along with his uncle for past 3 or 4 years. We used to share the latest news around place casually. I sometimes even accompanied Mahi and team at the cash counter collecting money from customers. It was one fun thing to do. The gain there was observing different people... small lower class family men used to find it an outing on weekends coming to the tea shop and having tea and small time snacks with their family members. And they would proceed to the beach shore nearby and probably return late in the evening. Before leaving the tea shop, they would ensure that their family members had food to their content. I thought that was more satisfying than going to big hotels and nibbling at expensive items and then worry about having to pay for all of it.
Parvathy tea stall was not the only one around, it was one amongst the many others there. But customers of these shops are usually loyal and regular. They do not prefer going to other tea stalls, even if they were better. That was probably because regular customers to such small tea shops tend to build an un-official community amongst themselves, who then would talk anything from Jayalalitha's reign to weather and pollution to temple rituals and festivities to anything in the world. These 'Group Discussions' had more real life subjects in them relevant to common man. A GD in Business Management schools about inflation and growth of Tatas and Birlas had hardly anything to contribute to common man's life, I thought!
I saluted Mahi as if to say 'see ya soon', crossed the road and entered the college. The security personnel said a 'Good Morning' to me, ensure I replied back and then proceeded with his newspaper. I guess he was reading about the IND-PAK cricket match that happened the previous day which India won. I could sense that from the images he was looking at. After all, would any Indian go through the sports section in a newspaper had India lost the match?
I gazed through The Hindu, TOI, ET and a few others and then climbed the stairs to get to my class in the first floor. I opened the door and switched on the lights. I stood there for a few seconds as if to prepare for entering the class. And I finally did. I rushed to the seat beside the Air Conditioner and switched it on. I could feel the sweat on my forehead slowly disappearing. I cooled down a bit after a hot morning walk and then switched on my lappy and put on some malayalam songs.
Dad had bought me the lappy from Dubai and I was a proud owner of one of the best ones available with the folks in my class. I used to happily put on the songs loudly as a sign of arrogance. Quite a few in our class were Mallus (Mallu is the short term for Malayalees) and they used to appreciate the songs. But I had to depend on headsets once the others barged in to the class with an expression on the face 'Aaargh.... not again!'.
Except for a few Good Mornings with a select few, I used to stare at the monitor of my lappy for no reason. At 9:05 AM, I would switch it off and then silently return to my seat. The one beside the AC was always my best choice. I used to adjust the flaps to my advantage and hardly anyone took notice of it. This seat was left most in the 3rd row from the front. This location used to be ideal as I could view the entire class with a small twist of my head.
Professors came and taught what Mahindra's Scorpio meant to India, how industrialization had an impact on Indian economy, what a balance sheet is and few other things which had always found it's way my back, way over my head. I had a choice - I could either take everything that they gave and fill up the space soon or take only what I could and leave the rest for others to take. Again, my brains asked me to choose option No.1 but I always took the words of my friend - Heart - and chose Option 2. If I were my brain, I would have left this humiliating body long back!
The best of the lot was our Marketing Professor, Mr.Sreenivasan. He had something in him that would make ears of each and everyone in the class sharp. This IIT (Engg), MBA guy was one too many. He was about 70 but his concepts and knowledge were always updated. A complete no-nonsense guy who hated guys who talked rubbish. For some reason he wasn't a big favorite of our college director but was just the best choice of all in the class. He hardly 'tought' anything, it was more of information sharing from his personal experience. And I thought these practical knowledge was more important than theory in the books.
The class was a mix of students from all over India - there were book worms, the rich and business minded folks, funny Shah Rukh Khan depicts, Body builders, the know-all and show-off types... But most of us had one thing in common - we were unsure of what to become and what path to take! As the day progressed, I could see more and more laptop monitors opening up. Guys (as in guys and gals) at the back would connect to each other's systems using RJ 45 and play games on network while the professors would appreciate them for using technology to take down notes promptly. Those naughty smiles on the faces of the back-benchers meant hardly anything to the professors. It's not that I didn't want to play too - it's just that I wasn't quite there in that company (or in any company for that matter) and it was difficult for an outsider to make in-roads. I should have done the work when the classes started in April, 2004. Now its Dec, 2004, the 'companies' have been built and there was very little I could do to get into one of those.
At 1 PM sharp, I would again run to Parvathy tea stall. Mahi used to give me a share of the rice and curry they prepared for the tea stall staffs and himself. I would buy probably a Vada or two from the shop as add-on to the rice. Of course I didn't have to pay for the rice and curry. (By now you would have guessed that I belonged to the group of stringent misers).
I came back and then had a small chat with Arun CG. There was still some time to go before the 2nd half started. Me and Arun came to join the classes here at the same time. He was more of that Bcom finance expert who would easily solve any problem that the finance professor would give. While I could still not make any sense of Profit, Loss and balance sheet, I used to wonder whether he used to have a mix of all this for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner! We used to share the same room in the initial months but as the numbers grew, I had to drop out by choice and find a place for myself. His was my first friendship in the college and I found it relatively easy to approach him anytime for anything.
All through the day, I really found it difficult to interact with confidence with others. My comfort level was very limited and I was never ready to cross it and go beyond. This was probably one reason why I found these days very un-interesting, specially those weekends. To enjoy Chennai you had to have a flat and a car, a Girl Friend to the least. For people like me who had neither, Chennai was pure waste of time.
‘Dude, you are in Chennai for completing your PG, not to enjoy’
‘I know, you don’t have to tell me!’
‘I have to… It’s my duty to remind you!’
‘To hell with you…’ – I hate my brain! I have been having this fight from last 24 years and I am tired!
On the way back, I didn’t fail to smile back at the 3 waving hands from the 1st floor balcony. They were looking cute in their school uniform. I guess the elder one was studying in 12th grade, 2nd one probably in 10th and the third probably in 5th grade or so.
I reached home, changed dress and sat down on the mattress wondering what next, knowing clearly there was nothing else to do. All I could think of was rush back to the tea stall and have a little chit-chat there. But on this day I didn’t feel like doing it. I was probably tired to walk all the way down. Or probably I didn’t want to repeat the same things on the same day. I didn’t go. Instead I lied down for a while and then went to parcel a dosa for dinner and returned to eat it and go to sleep. Just before I slept, I did try to recollect anything that the professors lectured in the class. I failed miserably! I knew I wasn’t spending the days the right way. But then what IS the right way? I always was unsure about what is right and what is wrong to do. On one hand was my parents spending a good part of their savings on my studies and here I was staring at life and trying to figure out whether I have chosen the right path in life. I had no clues of what was awaiting me. But if you ask me whether I had tried to know... well, it would be a big NO. My brain used to make me feel guilty. This guy always points out the problems and had never a solution for them. And this is what I disliked most about my brain!
I slowly fell asleep thinking these and trying to guess what dreams could haunt me that night.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Chapter 1- A dream...
My eyes opened in a flash and I felt a slight pain in my head - as if somebody had struck at the back. I got up and sat on the matress, looked left and right to gather my current location, post which I took a shot at the mobile to know the time. It was 5:02 AM. Was it a Monday or a Sunday? Err no, it was a Saturday... or was it? Ah it doesn't matter, 5:02 AM is no time to get up.
The pain still remained... I shook my head vigorously as if to scatter the pain away, it didn't work. But what was that pain? Yes I have a sinus problem but this is not sinus generated issue. Hmm... I slowly lay my head back on to my pillow, disturbed.
Did I dream? I think I did... I was running... I was running fast and running hard. There was someone following me. And I fell into a pit unknowingly. Yes, that is what woke me up! That is when I woke up... and my head is aching because I fell into a pit in my dream? This is absurd.
But this is not the first time I am seeing this dream. This is not the second or third time either. I have dreamt this very thing like a 1000 times or more. I never bothered to count but for some odd reason this dream keeps chasing me... or may be I keep chasing this dream, unknowingly! It wasn't a bit pleasant by any means.
I wanted to sleep again but if I did, I could probably miss the chance today of being the first attendant in the college. And what did I gain being one? Nothing actually, but I still felt good being the first one to reach the college. I checked my mobile again, it was 5:13 AM. Hmmm... that's a tricky one. I usually get up by 6:00 AM to start my day. And that means I have approximately another 45 mins to take a nap. Ah skip it, lemme use the time to do... err... nothing!
An idle mind is a devil's workshop - I thought about what would happen if I were to place a bomb in the college and destroy it. Yeah, probably I could have slept more peacefully and didn't have to go to bed thinking of waking up at 6 in the morning. Alright, what if I had become the only guy to perfect all sports in the world? Yeah, I could have easily had all those girls (whom I used to have a crush on) dancing to my tune. What if God had appeared in front of me out of the blue and asked what I wanted? yes, I would have requested him to bless me with the capability of making anything that I think come true. So if I thought I had to be the richest man in the world, I could be. If I wanted to be the best in everything in the world, I could be.
Wow, I was finally thinking big, dreaming big. So is this what the so called succesful big-shots in various streams refer to as 'Think Big'? Anyways, that didn't matter either!
Infact a lot of things that I used to think or dream of never mattered to me or anyone. Because I wanted my unreasonable dreams to come true without putting in efforts.
Ok so what was I ACTUALLY doing in life?
"Doing a PGDBA course alright... then? Nothing? So PGDBA is the be all and end all of it?:
"No..."
"Then?"
"I don't know... I don't know what else to do in life..."
"Ah... way to go! What do you want to be in life?"
"Now can you stop it? It's not even 6 and you can't keep asking such things at this point in time and spoil my day!"
I gave a hard kick and threw that bad part of my brain in a room and locked it to perfection. This is why I always liked my heart over my brain. My heart supports me and directs me to places which I liked. And my brain keeps criticizing me.
I was feeling tired of all these thoughts. Now I really felt sleepy and wanted to be on the bed for a longer time, perhaps the whole day. But thanks to my fate, I had no choice but pick myself up from the matress and kick my own back so that with the pains come my senses and then then prepare to leave for college.
I got up and looked around once again - I had enough space... just enough space to stand and turn 360 degrees. I had a matress and a lappy in my room and then some huge books that college folks provided me with. It seems there were lessons fron other's lives as well as case studies of various successful business organizations from which I could grasp ow they succeeded. There was a plastic chair too. I picked up my tooth brush and proceeded to the so-called bathroom. I placed a cup beneath the thread of water flowing from the tap and managed to fill it 1/4th after waiting for like 10 mins. It was less of water and more of sodium chloride solution. I generally shut my nose hard with the thumb and forefinger of my right hand while tasting the water.
I'm sorry but I couldnt find a better, cheaper place to stay. I was staying in a small square room - large enough to accomodate me - which was located on the roof of the house. And my room had an asbetos roof. Well, what else could I ask for at Rs.800/month in a metro like Chennai?
The sun was already fuming as if trying to burn me off into ashes. I was starting to melt and sweat ran all over my body. But my thoughts were still elsewhere - why and where in the world did I fall in my dream? And what was that dream anyways?
The pain still remained... I shook my head vigorously as if to scatter the pain away, it didn't work. But what was that pain? Yes I have a sinus problem but this is not sinus generated issue. Hmm... I slowly lay my head back on to my pillow, disturbed.
Did I dream? I think I did... I was running... I was running fast and running hard. There was someone following me. And I fell into a pit unknowingly. Yes, that is what woke me up! That is when I woke up... and my head is aching because I fell into a pit in my dream? This is absurd.
But this is not the first time I am seeing this dream. This is not the second or third time either. I have dreamt this very thing like a 1000 times or more. I never bothered to count but for some odd reason this dream keeps chasing me... or may be I keep chasing this dream, unknowingly! It wasn't a bit pleasant by any means.
I wanted to sleep again but if I did, I could probably miss the chance today of being the first attendant in the college. And what did I gain being one? Nothing actually, but I still felt good being the first one to reach the college. I checked my mobile again, it was 5:13 AM. Hmmm... that's a tricky one. I usually get up by 6:00 AM to start my day. And that means I have approximately another 45 mins to take a nap. Ah skip it, lemme use the time to do... err... nothing!
An idle mind is a devil's workshop - I thought about what would happen if I were to place a bomb in the college and destroy it. Yeah, probably I could have slept more peacefully and didn't have to go to bed thinking of waking up at 6 in the morning. Alright, what if I had become the only guy to perfect all sports in the world? Yeah, I could have easily had all those girls (whom I used to have a crush on) dancing to my tune. What if God had appeared in front of me out of the blue and asked what I wanted? yes, I would have requested him to bless me with the capability of making anything that I think come true. So if I thought I had to be the richest man in the world, I could be. If I wanted to be the best in everything in the world, I could be.
Wow, I was finally thinking big, dreaming big. So is this what the so called succesful big-shots in various streams refer to as 'Think Big'? Anyways, that didn't matter either!
Infact a lot of things that I used to think or dream of never mattered to me or anyone. Because I wanted my unreasonable dreams to come true without putting in efforts.
Ok so what was I ACTUALLY doing in life?
"Doing a PGDBA course alright... then? Nothing? So PGDBA is the be all and end all of it?:
"No..."
"Then?"
"I don't know... I don't know what else to do in life..."
"Ah... way to go! What do you want to be in life?"
"Now can you stop it? It's not even 6 and you can't keep asking such things at this point in time and spoil my day!"
I gave a hard kick and threw that bad part of my brain in a room and locked it to perfection. This is why I always liked my heart over my brain. My heart supports me and directs me to places which I liked. And my brain keeps criticizing me.
I was feeling tired of all these thoughts. Now I really felt sleepy and wanted to be on the bed for a longer time, perhaps the whole day. But thanks to my fate, I had no choice but pick myself up from the matress and kick my own back so that with the pains come my senses and then then prepare to leave for college.
I got up and looked around once again - I had enough space... just enough space to stand and turn 360 degrees. I had a matress and a lappy in my room and then some huge books that college folks provided me with. It seems there were lessons fron other's lives as well as case studies of various successful business organizations from which I could grasp ow they succeeded. There was a plastic chair too. I picked up my tooth brush and proceeded to the so-called bathroom. I placed a cup beneath the thread of water flowing from the tap and managed to fill it 1/4th after waiting for like 10 mins. It was less of water and more of sodium chloride solution. I generally shut my nose hard with the thumb and forefinger of my right hand while tasting the water.
I'm sorry but I couldnt find a better, cheaper place to stay. I was staying in a small square room - large enough to accomodate me - which was located on the roof of the house. And my room had an asbetos roof. Well, what else could I ask for at Rs.800/month in a metro like Chennai?
The sun was already fuming as if trying to burn me off into ashes. I was starting to melt and sweat ran all over my body. But my thoughts were still elsewhere - why and where in the world did I fall in my dream? And what was that dream anyways?
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